oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
