I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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