I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
