What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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