she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
