i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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