i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize