I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
