I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
