My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
