dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
