i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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