I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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