I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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