Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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