She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
