Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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