I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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