She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
