Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We had sex on a dog bed..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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