90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
