I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
