A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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