just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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