your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
