I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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