i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
