Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
