If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
