i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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