Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize