I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
