I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You dont lie about slip and slides
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
