How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
