I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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