Will you blow on my dice?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize