Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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