Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
