So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
