my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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