I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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