i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
