apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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