I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
