LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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