I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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