One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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