i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
