When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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