I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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