I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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