I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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