you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
