Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
