im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
