wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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