The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
love makes seman taste better
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
