God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
