he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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