I think I died a long time ago.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
