alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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