you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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