you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize