remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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