Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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