Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
