Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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